One of the foundations of having a secure attachment style involves knowing and honoring your needs. We have 6 basic human needs, as well as subconscious personality needs. Your personality needs are unique to you. Yours may differ from the next individuals. It’s best to create habits that are most aligned with them in your life and relationships.
For example, Nature, Exploration and Novelty, Creativity, and Personal Growth are some of my top personality needs. I get my basic human need for Uncertainty through novelty and exploration. I get my need for growth through personal growth. Health is also a personality need that aligns with my basic human need for growth and certainty.
You will have to do some fun soul searching to find the top ones for you and what they relate to!
You also have tertiary needs. Your unique set of tertiary needs is what you are looking for in a partner. For me, Intimacy is one. Full and undivided attention, true presence, knowing someone for who they really are = Intimacy to me.
It’s something I didn’t get enough of from my parents. I looked for it in all the wrong places sometimes, with the wrong people. If you’re codependent for example, you may too. You may attract emotionally unavailable people such as dismissive avoidants or even narcissists. I am nourished by Intimacy in the form of quality time, deep conversations, being a spaceholder who offers listening spaces to others, and even eye gazing with loved ones. There are ways I can meet these needs both with myself and with others who want to and enjoy giving them to me.
You will need to do some fun soul searching to discover your tertiary needs! Then you will need to come up with healthy ways of meeting them for yourself or in relation to others who love to give them to you! Nourish thyself, but don’t be hyper independent. You can even find a community of people committed to honoring a certain need you have. Be discerning. Don’t give your center away to anyone or put them on a pedestal. Learn, share, and grow with others and honor yourself first and foremost. XO
